The biggest communication problem is that we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply.
~ Stephen R. Covey
It’s only recently that I happened to stumble upon this quote. This is one of those rare quotes that do not shove a Thesaurus down your throat or confuse you with morbid profundity, but hit hard with their succinct words and are to the point.
This quote specifically, is very apt in today’s day and age. With all the negativity surrounding us, countries being in perennial feud with each other, people disagreeing over religious matters, minorities asking for more reservation, ethnic groups clashing, this quote brings out the crux of each of those problems.
All people care for is their own opinion. Even when one is listening to someone else, “How will I reply to this?” seems to always be on the back of the mind. People conveniently look for key words and phrases which they can use against the speaker while replying to them.
I’m serious, sometimes I look at my comments section and feel the very same. While replying to some comment of mine, a lot of people go completely off topic and start saying whatever they wanted to initially. They do not care for my, or anyone else’s opinion, they care only about their own.
This leads to discussions becoming an echo chamber, where the opinion which is expressed the loudest deafens any differing opinions. It seems as if we can not have a meaningful discussion anymore.
This brings me to another point though, why are we so stuck up in our own opinions? Why have we spun a web of sweet comforting words around us? Is it that we’re afraid of the harsh truth? Or is it that if our opinion is proved wrong, we lose credibility? We’re better than this people.
Sure, a lot of times I’m wrong, but in order to realize that and make an active effort to better myself, I need to listen to understand, not listen to reply. The political party in power should not just focus on refuting the concerns of the opposition but to act on them and better the prospects of the country, that’s the very reason an opposition is in place. Make use of your power for God’s sake.
From an individual point of view, think of it like this. When you do not know anything at all about a topic, you do some research. You google about the topic, talk to your friends, form an opinion. That opinion should really be subject to change. You can’t just go on defending a topic you yourself just learnt about a couple of hours ago. Initial impressions are important but they should not be that important.
So I guess the moral of the story here is, listen to understand, not to reply. The more I think about it, the more I feel that Stephen R Covey was a genius.
Do you ever listen to understand? Tell me about it in the comments section below. Let’s have a healthy “discussion”.
Much love,
–SG
You post a valid observation. I think a lot of the discourse really centers around the various fears we have, that right now appear stronger than usual; “usual” meaning past times where opinions were about a collective good or moral application. I think with the advent of political correctness, cultural “dilution” due to globalization, market shifts also due to globalization, in part, because certain elements of middle class occupations have also shifted quicker than the job market can correct itself. There is an issue people do not realize regarding the stress of increasing diverse population.. some of it due to immigration (NOT to the extent people seem to feel threatened). There is a VERY confused public regarding an untraditional President and a fear of an unknown future. Add to this the huge impact of mental health issues as a result of various abuses, work stress, financial stress, political stress, sexual identity stress… and we are left with the results of all that stress with increasing drug addiction, random mass shootings across the entire social spectrum (random death does not discriminate based on race, creed, gender, or politics), and just plain fear of our own shadows. Individually we have circled our wagons; that so called tribal thing. We don’t listen to understand… we listen to protect and defend our own little patch of what’s left of what we “think” we once had in some “good old days” simply because we fear what’s going on around us. Traditional institutions don’t seem to mean a damn anymore because their simple existence to serve the nation for the public good is exactly why they are falling from public grace; “good” is now subjective to the individual. But right now.. the most important aspect threatening the national consciousness is that we have NO national leader. We have no national cheerleader to show us optimism.. and give us hope for some better future. We have no national proponent for all things American that are good. We have no one to provide some higher moral ground for the idealistic causes that serve to galvanize our collective hopes and dreams. We have NO leader to rally us around our public institutions that serve to protect and defend our way of life. And because we have no leader, we are seeing our way of life vanishing.
But.. within all this doom & gloom… there is some light. This reply is too long.
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Man you really make present day America sound horrible. But still, I admire your underlying optimism that there still is some light.
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Well… the light in spite of all this “bad” is that we have the Constitution. Inside that is the key to making things better. We are going through a tough time but these things are typically cyclical; this will pass. Not likely overnight.. but in time. What’s important more than anything is you keep faith in that things will get better… and exercise your right to vote… and even get involved in some way to help make things better. Living in America is not a free ride. The Constitution has lasted nearly 250 years. No one is going to bust it up. But if things are not right then it’s up to all of us to use our votes wisely. If wrong people are in the wrong places then that’s how we affect change. Sometimes you have to understand the “bad” in order to see the good that’s coming. Great topic, by the way.
Believe it or not, I’m an optimist by nature. 🙂
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Haha. That’s nice to know.
It’s always nice to learn about America through you Sir, since my knowledge about your country’s social and political landscape is limited. Thank you. 🙂
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Actually, I feel more comfortable with American at his time than in the past decade. Sometimes the less said, the better. Thank you for reading.
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What? I am sorry but I did not understand your comment. Also, I did not read anything.
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OH, you enjoyed reading my blog this morning which spoke of the diversity of our area in Florida, and of my husband’s military background and his different way of perceiving situations. You clicked “like.” Thank you for reading. At one time, I might have felt threatened while overseas by that store clerk aggressively peering at me feeling the corn and checking it out but now, I see my husband’s side. That is all I meant.
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I am trying to be more to the point as I feel I could learn something by listening to the way my husband takes care of business hence “the less said the better.”
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Hahaha yeah. Sorry I couldn’t relate it to your post. I thought it had something to do with mine.
See, even I am guilty of reading your comment to reply but not reading your comment to understand. 😀
Silly me.
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Sincerely, that is one of the problem I think the youth have. I think we are more concerned about ourselves to see the truth behind the words we hear from people older than us. We neglect words that can help us because we don’t understand them.
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I think “googling” a topic is dangerous because you have to think: who is writing this? The best experience is the one you experience yourself. Sometimes that is a tough lesson to learn. I feel in love with the idea of the UAE as the perfect place until I stayed a year and discovered many things I was not aware of. Another example: I might think someone is traditional and respect them for their patriotism and their record of doing the right thing. But even traditional people can surprise us with their their openness to new ideas and bucking the establishment.If we have an interview with a prospective job and employer, we are all trying to “answer to impress.” Most of life though isn’t like an interview, hopefully, for most of us. Anyway, I went back, reread what you had to say and said my piece. Thanks for listening.
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Your post reminds me of his quote “Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood. ” Thank you for sharing. This is very common in our day to day interactions.
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Agreed. Very well said Myrtle. 🙂
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I listen and understand too.
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Excellent post
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Thanks Auntie 🙂
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wow!! what a post.I truly related cz i felt i do that often.And thanks for not just pointing it out but also telling about the solution.will try to follow that.
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You’re welcome. 😉
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Funny because I just learned this quote as well. I was in a class and we really got deep into listening. Listening deeply is the greatest gift we can give to someone. Waiting as they speak and taking a few moments of silence before we speak. or not speaking at all. Just letting them know we are sincere in caring about what they have shared with us.
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but sometimes, when I give my feedback after someone telling me about something, Iam afraid that will offend them,
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Think of it this way.. who have you offended more… the person you are communicating to… or yourself for not presenting the person you are inside?
Most of us don’t generally want to offend… but I will always risk offending you before I risk offending myself simply because I don’t live with you… but I must live with myself.
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This is because everyone wants to simply win in their argument instead of learning something. That’s why they don’t evolve into a new person, instead be as they are. I loved each and every word of this blog of yours and can’t help but to reblog it.
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sadly that quote you used is true. we need listen to understand.
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Agreed. Thanks for being such a kind visitor. 🙂
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Great post! Still thinking about how to reply. Haha!
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I recently had this conversation with my friend. Something I have been working on and noticed a big difference. It’s very important to be a good listener! 💛💋
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This is something I think about every single meeting at work. People just talk. Say things that been said already, things we know, random shit. It’s just to talk. It should be forbidden. It’s a waste of time.
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This is such an insightful piece! I think a lot of the time our opinions form such a strong part of ourselves that we are unwilling to listen to understand that other position, for fear it might make us doubt our own, and also our self. If, for example, someone says they don’t like pizza, you’re rarely going to try to understand why, and instead will just talk about how wrong they are and how great pizza is! If you understood why they dont like pizza, you might be able to help them understand why pizza is so delicious… A juvenile example, but the analogy works!
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I don’t think your example is juvenile, I think it perfectly describes the essence of the post itself.
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Great job with this post SG. Since I read it the first time I have periodically remembered Covey’s quote that you shared and am trying to do a better job of listening. Some of the comments are fun to read too. Thanks again for sharing and trying to make us more thoughtful people 🙂
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